Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Randomize
