his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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