Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Randomize
