I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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