It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
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