Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
