i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
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