its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
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