Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
