Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
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