Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
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