So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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