You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
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