My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
