I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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