I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
