I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Randomize
