And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
But theres a keg here and me gusta
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
