Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Randomize