i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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