did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Randomize
