Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
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He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
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You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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