No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Randomize
