this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
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