I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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