The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
