okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
