My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
