Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
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