Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
