i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
