dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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