It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
i love accidental penises.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
