I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
It's never too late to be topless.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
