I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
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I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
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You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
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