I'm sorry my penis didn't work
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
