I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
