made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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