it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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