You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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