i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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