Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
I am spending my child support on dildos
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Boobs speak an international language.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
