Got a toothbrush?
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
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