I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
