i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
