I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Randomize
