Just fell off a train. Bad.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
