i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
