dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
