Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
Randomize
