Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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