I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Randomize
