I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
