I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
